M. asked me recently: How do you extract yourself from work drama? A work friend dragged me into one but I don't want to be in it. But I want to stay loyal to her.
M. doesn't want to be a part of the drama but wants to be loyal to her colleague. It sounds that M. doesn't want to take sides, but she wants to be liked by her colleague.
The main conflict here: M. wants to be liked but at the same time she wants to be herself by separating from other's opinions. Those two things are difficult to combine. Difficult but possible.
The main conflict here: M. wants to be liked but at the same time she wants to be herself by separating from other's opinions. Those two things are difficult to combine. Difficult but possible.
I remember a situation when I was doing some rotations in Ireland as a medical student. The patient complained to me about the surgeon who was my supervisor. I couldn't really take anyone's side. By taking patient's side I would go against my boss. By taking surgeon's side I would go against the patient. Both could mean trouble for a medical student.
A seasoned and very kind Irish nurse saw my helpless face, took me quietly to the side and told me: Don't take sides. Don't agree or disagree. Give some emotional support. Just say "Oh, dear, that is a terrible situation. I feel you."
I used it and indeed that was a neutral support phrase without making me to take any side.
A seasoned and very kind Irish nurse saw my helpless face, took me quietly to the side and told me: Don't take sides. Don't agree or disagree. Give some emotional support. Just say "Oh, dear, that is a terrible situation. I feel you."
I used it and indeed that was a neutral support phrase without making me to take any side.
Now I use it a lot at parties and weddings when people with not matching political views are passionately talking about recent political events. I have no goal or intent to change anyone's opinions or to convince them that they are wrong and I am right. Especially not at a wedding.
Sometimes I don't even know who is wrong and who is right.
They all can believe whatever they want. "Oh dear" and "I feel you" helps really me well. I am not taking sides and at the same time I am not lying either. People like to talk and I let them talk. I might tell them what I think if they ask directly. But mostly I can redirect the question back to them, which is easy if you answer a question with another question.
Sometimes I don't even know who is wrong and who is right.
They all can believe whatever they want. "Oh dear" and "I feel you" helps really me well. I am not taking sides and at the same time I am not lying either. People like to talk and I let them talk. I might tell them what I think if they ask directly. But mostly I can redirect the question back to them, which is easy if you answer a question with another question.
Along the way I collected few more tricks about how to stay emotionally independent in "negative" situations.
1. Being able to listen to opinions different form your own, sometimes very different...
It is very helpful if you can listen to opinions of others which may be different and sometimes even the opposite of your own. When you start feeling inner diagreement, tell yourself: "It is not my way of thinking or doing things, but it sounds interesting" and after that just play a journalist and ask curious questions. Journalists don't necessary share the opinions and views of those they interview. But they still listen and ask questions.
Just because you don't argue, it doesn't automatically mean that you agree.
Just because you don't argue, it doesn't automatically mean that you agree.
2. If you are pushed to an action, use a delay tactic
If someone asks you to make a decision on a spot, for example your financial advisor asks you to make a decision and you feel uncomfortable and are not ready to decide, just say: "It does sound very interesting. But I am not sure right now, I need more time to think about it."
Some people may be very insisting and say: "What is there to think about?" You just repeat the same you just said: "As I just said, it does sound very interesting. But I am not sure right now, I need more time to think about it." You can repeat it indefinitely. They will feel a strong but polite resistance and will give up.
If someone asks you to make a decision on a spot, for example your financial advisor asks you to make a decision and you feel uncomfortable and are not ready to decide, just say: "It does sound very interesting. But I am not sure right now, I need more time to think about it."
Some people may be very insisting and say: "What is there to think about?" You just repeat the same you just said: "As I just said, it does sound very interesting. But I am not sure right now, I need more time to think about it." You can repeat it indefinitely. They will feel a strong but polite resistance and will give up.
3. Be able to listen to critique without immediately fighting it
Listen is the key word. You don't have to accept it. You can listen and evaluate if the advise is useful to you or not.
Any unsolicited critique or advise is an attack. Use "marshal art" techniques to defend yourself. Step aside and let them fall. Say: "Thank you for you input, I appreciate it and I will think about it." Again, you don't agree or disagree and don't promice to change anything either.
4. Accept yourself as you are.
With all your qualities. My parallel parking is pretty bad. Sometimes I get lost even with GPS. I get nauseated on roller coasters.
There is no reason for me to hide that or to pretend to be stronger then I am.
If someone tells me: You can't park! I will answer: Yes, I can't park. And that is usually the end of the conversation.
If someone who's definition of fun is a roller coaster ride will push me to "have fun" and to go on a roller coaster, it will be my own fault if I mess up the entire rest of my day after I get nauseated.
Once you admit your weaknesses, life will become easier because there will be no more energy spent on pretending.
Have you noticed that none of the responses contain any lies or distorted truths. They are acknowledgment of received information, delaying of responses, or just acknowledgment of a fact without labeling the information as right or wrong. All of that is mainly avoiding or redirecting.
If someone who's definition of fun is a roller coaster ride will push me to "have fun" and to go on a roller coaster, it will be my own fault if I mess up the entire rest of my day after I get nauseated.
Once you admit your weaknesses, life will become easier because there will be no more energy spent on pretending.
Have you noticed that none of the responses contain any lies or distorted truths. They are acknowledgment of received information, delaying of responses, or just acknowledgment of a fact without labeling the information as right or wrong. All of that is mainly avoiding or redirecting.
