M. asks:
How do you define moderate selective frugality? And what separates selective frugality versus being cheap?
I recently had an experience where I questioned this. I went to Target with a discounted gift card. They couldn't scan it and asked me to download their store app. I automatically asked if they had a free Wi-Fi so I don't have to use my data. I realized, after getting weird looks, that I was carrying my Louis Vuitton bag. I was a little embarrassed.
I never heard of moderate selective frugality. I thought it is either frugality or it is not.
It seems that M. is embarrassed to appear frugal to others. Probably because for some people frugal equals cheap. And cheap sounds negative. So there is a certain fear of negative judgment from others.
How to stop caring about opinions or judgment from others?
I am not sure if my advise will help, I am not a psychologist, but I will try.
What separates frugality from being cheap?
It is the emotional valuation of "good" versus "bad".
Many people use the word cheap in a negative sense. Frugal sounds a little better. It is similar to cheap but is considered to be a good and responsible solution.
As I already mentioned in one of the previous posts, I replace "good" and "bad" with "useful" and "useless". The emotional valuation of cheap being "bad" and frugal being "good", is useless to me.
I would have asked for free Wi-Fi, if the savings were significant. One time I downloaded an app in the store using data because the discount was $20. That was useful. If the savings are only $1, I would use free Wi-Fi and use of the data would not be as useful.
If the cashier gives me a weird look, this look is useless to me, because this person has zero influence on my life.
This emotionless evaluation as "useful" versus "useless" may be difficult to practice for some people. Let's try to look at the situation from a different angle.
On the surface it looks like there is a mismatch between M.'s appearance decorated with a Louis Vuitton bag and her asking for free Wi-Fi.
Her appearance signals that she is well off.
Her question about free Wi-Fi signals that she is trying to save money.
This mismatch was noticed by a random cashier.
Why should this cashiers reaction bother M.?
M. has fear of being judged by others. Can this fear do any good?
I think, at least, the fear of judgment should to be adequate.
In few areas opinions of others can matter. For example, at work you have to fit in with your behavior and dress code because of certain standards. If people give me weird looks because of my appearance or behaviour at work, it is necessary to catch those looks and act on them, because that can have consequences.
If the the weird look is coming from a person who is unrelated to my financial well being, like a cashier at Target, I usually completely ignore it.
The fear of judgment from a random cashier is inadequate.
Supposedly the cashier is judging M. for having an expensive bag but trying to save money.
The cashier may think:
1. Is it a real Louis Vuitton bag if you are so frugal? Are you pretending about how rich you are?
2. Oh you poor girl with an expensive bag, you are so cheap that you can't spend a dollar on your data?
4. I hate you and your expensive bag. You should not care about spending money on data.
What may be coming over from the cashier is jealousy or contempt.
What is the worst that can happen after M. got that weird look?
The cashier only spent 1-2 seconds on that look. He probably immediately forgot about that. In the worst case he went home and told about that to his friends or family: "There was a weird woman at the store today, she was carrying an expensive bag but asked for free Wi-Fi. How cheap of her."
Let's make it worse. If that person is a real freak, he may tweet about it or post something on Facebook.
But in reality he may never think about it again.
What actually happened in a neutral view of things:
A random non-related to M. person expressed jealousy or contempt toward her.
M. cares about opinions of others and she is hurt by the opinion of the cashier because he doesn't like something about her.
Of course if M. is afraid of judgment, she can just try to avoid all situations which may produce weird looks. She can either stop carrying expensive bags or she can stop trying to save money, because others will be unhappy with her.
And even if she manages to please most, there will still be somebody who will be unhappy with her for some reason. Will she ever be able to please everyone?
Those efforts to please others and to avoid negative reactions from others - what are they worth to M.? Are they worth $1 she may have saved in this case?
I will take $1 over an irrelevant opinion. I have enough of my own opinions.
What if she is going to buy a car and the salesman gives her a weird look because of her bag? Will she stop negotiating for a better price and agree with a higher price just to make the salesman happy who she will never see again? That will be worth more than $1. But is the situation really different?
It is very helpful to realize that:
1. Other people don't really care as much about you (and me) as you think.
2. You may spend more time thinking about what others think about you then they really do.
3. You are very generous to random people to give them control over your emotions.
No one really spends a lot of time thinking about others. Others are mostly busy with thinking about themselves.
Realizing that no one really cares about you (and me) should give you FREEDOM!
With this freedom you can do whatever you want.
And if others notice you doing whatever you want, they will very judmentally say: "She does whatever she wants". And you will just smile and not bother spending your time or your thoughts on an irrelevant opinion.
When you care about opinion of others you give others power to influence your life. They take the wheel of your car and you let them drive the direction they want. Just because they want to take your wheel, should you really give it to them?
