This is the Part 2 of my answer to M.'s question: How to deal with ungrateful family? I can't cut them off entirely but my irritation is at the point that I want to.
The first part was dealing with "ungratefulness".
This second part is about specific problems in relationship with mother and mother-in-law.
Grown up children and parents/parents-in-law.
1. Grown up child and mother
This happens a lot: Mother gives a lot of advise to her adult daughter.
The mother gives a good reason for all her advise: she knows what is best for her daughter. She is worried about her and want only the best for her. But the daughter can't live her life as her mother wants her to. Both are unhappy with the relationship.
The mother's reason sounds legit. But it is not the real reason. In this reasoning there are many levels and the mother herself often don't know the real reason.
When I dig deep to find the real reason I can identify 3 levels.
Level 1: The apparent "ungratefulness"
This is the very surface. You can fix few things on that level. But they will keep coming up again and again until you fix levels 2 and 3.
See the Part 1 for how to fix level 1.
Level 2: Fear of loneliness
The mother feels lonely after her child grows up. She fears to be excluded and not to be needed anymore. She fears to be forgotten.
She tries to fix that by demonstrating how much she cares. And expects care for her in exchange. Here it the reciprocity expectation again: she cares and expects care in return.
Her ways to show care may not the best but she can only do what she can. An average mother is not a super human, she is a regular person and she will use only the methods that she knows.
Her care full of advise how to live life is not the care a grown up child needs. That "care" turns quick into "annoyance and aggression" and by reciprocity that what the mother is going to get back.
Aggression in the relationship is the result. Both sides are irritated and unhappy.
If the adult daughter understands the reason on level 2, she can give care to solve that problem. Because care is what is expected. It is difficult and the adult child needs to be careful by making sure that the care is something "good" on the receiving end (see example 3 in the Part 1).
Trying to decrease the loneliness and fear to be forgotten would be the solution but it is not easy with a parent who is irritating and aggressive.
It is easier to break this circle of irritation if you jump straight to level 3.
Level 3: Love jug
On this level the real problem is not the fear of being forgotten or loneliness.
Mother usually sees her child as an extension of herself.
If the mother is happy with herself, she will be happy with her child.
Anything the mother doesn't like in herself she projects onto her child and tries to improve her child. The child is not accepted how it is because the mother does not accept herself how she is.
The mother who doesn't have enough love for herself will never give enough love to anyone else, including her child.
Imagine that everyone is carrying a jug filled with love - the love jug.
Only the self-love is as thick as honey.
All the love substitute people can get from others is sugar water which evaporates quickly.
People who don't have enough of honey (love for themselves) still have to fill the jug. They desperately try to at least collect sugar water from others. They collect that love substitute in form of approval from others, being people pleasers, by self-sacrifice, or attention of any kind. Those substitutes fill the jug but evaporate quickly and have to be constantly refilled.
By completely accepting yourself how you are you fill your jug with thick honey. You don't need any sugar water anymore.
If you know how, you can make honey yourself. The sugar water is different. It can only be received from others. People with empty love jugs are going around trying to get that love substitute from others because they can't make it themselves.
There will be enough people who will try to give you the sugar water, because by reciprocity they will try to get some sugar water from you.
Once you have honey, you will have no need for that love substitute.
You will be able so see and differentiate people with their love jugs filled with honey from others who don't love themselves, are running around, busy trying to get various kinds of love substitutes from others (approval, attention, admiration, jealousy) to fill their jug with at least some sugar water.
Since it evaporates, they have to work for it all the time. If they don't get enough from others, they are unhappy and that is a painful feeling.
Back to the mother.
Mother who can't accept herself how she is, doesn't love herself. Because there is not enough true love (honey) in the mother's love jug, she will try to get the missing love from someone else including her child.
To fill the jug, the mother will go to whoever is closest to her. If the mother a good relationship with someone, she will try to get the sugar water out of that relationship first. That's why mothers who have active relationships themselves don't bother their children as much as when they are lonely.
All "I want the best for you" justifications are just a cover for a scream "Give me some love. I can't make honey, please give me at least some sugar water."
That jug has to be filled somehow.
The same is for children. If mother was not able to give them enough true love (honey) when they were growing up, their jug is not full unless they learned to make honey by themselves, became self-sufficient and independent from the need for love substitutes.
To fix the problem on level 2 you will need to give more attention to your mother. But that is difficult if the mother constantly needs a lot of attention because her love jug is empty.
Mother can't make sugar water herself. By demonstrating her care for the child she tries to give the child some sugar water to get some in return. But the child only gets irritation and by reciprocity gives irritation back. But even irritation is better than nothing, it is like a very low quality of sugar water, at least some attention instead of being completely forgotten.
It will be up to the child to work on the solution.
Acceptance is what makes honey. Accepting yourself and others. Accepting your mother how she is and telling her that will produce a portion of honey you can give her. Her jug will fill with that a bit and she will be less thursty for sugar water.
By saying: "Mother, when you say things like that to me, it is difficult for me to be close to you. And that makes me sad. I will always love you because you are my mother. I want to live my own life how I can. It is sad that you don't accept it. But even if you don't accept my choices in life, I will still love you."
And then give her some time.
If you want to know how it feels to hear it, you can imagine that you don't like a certain part of your own body, for example your right hand. You try to convince the hand to change, because you care and also because it will be better for the hand to change. For example it will be better for the hand to get longer fingers or smoother skin. And the hand tells you: "I can't change. That is how I am. But I will always love you because I am yours, I am part of you".
When mother realizes that she is accepted how she is, she will feel different.
2. Mother-in-law
She is afraid to become obsolete in her son's life.
The son's wife is a threat to her because her son will have to divide his attention and there will be less left for the mother. And that is very scary for someone with an empty love jug. She will do everything to get the competitor out of the game.
The daughter-in-law can try to give her some attention but the love substitute from close relatives like her own son is always stronger and more valuable, it is a bit better quality sugar water. She will still fight for that.
It is in the hands of her son to fix that problem. The daughter-in-law has very little chance to fix anything.
Fixing the problem on this level is the same as for the mother and daughter: acceptance.
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