M. asked me: How to deal with ungrateful family? I can't cut them off entirely but my irritation is at the point that I want to.
Part 1
From this question it sounds like M. tries to help her family members and her help is not accepted or it is taken but nothing comes in return.
M. has very kind and soft personality. For me it is difficult to imagine that she will really cut anyone off. But this threat shows the level of her unhappiness with how things stand.
M.'s question is very general. It could be a mix of a few things. The first what stands out is "ungrateful". The second is "family". I will go trough them separately, starting with "ungrateful". In the next post (Part 2) I will touch on "family" specifically.
Ungrateful
Generally (actually almost always) when people do something they consider "good", they expect something "good" in return. Not always it is material, but at least some acknowledgement or "gratefulness".
This giving and getting back is a transaction. But this particular kind of transaction of "doing good" is somewhat tricky.
If you do "good" to your friend or family member you expect them to be at least grateful.
You did something for them. It was something "good for them". Not neutral or bad, it was good. STOP! That was something YOU think was "good". Was it really good for them?
This transaction requires reciprocity. By reciprocity you will receive back the same what they have received. NOTE: Not the same you gave them but the same they have received. Those can be two different things.
The tricky part of this transaction is that the valuation can change as soon as the "good" changes sides.
On the receiving side the "good" can turn "bad" instantly.
The "good" turns to "bad" and you will receive "bad" back by reciprocity. That is the reason to make sure that something you give is not only "good" on your side but will also be receives as "good".
The key moment for a successful transaction is that during the transaction the "good" stays "good".
There are many reasons for something "good" to turn into something "bad".
For example, the people's taste is different.
A very simple example (1): a very strong coffee. You like very strong coffee and consider strong coffee something "good".
But it is not the same "good" for everyone.
If it is offered as something "good" to someone who doesn't like coffee, especially a strong one, that offering of "good" immediately turns into something "bad" for the receiving person.
A joyful, accepting and happy "Thank you" can't follow that offer.
By reciprocity that what was RECEIVED will go back. A "bad" drink was received and something "bad" will have to be returned.
People are polite and try not to hurt others feelings but there will be at least some bad emotion coming trough instead of happy accepting. And that was just a simple coffee offer.
As soon as the offer is evaluated and is classified as "bad" the reciprocity kicks in and you will get the mirror of what was received. "Bad" will be paid back with "bad". "Good" will be paid with "good".
Here is another example (2). Your friend is shopping for a dryer. You recently have discovered a new dryer that can not only dry cloths but also de-wrinkle them and even perform dry-cleaning. You think it is the greatest thing and everyone should enjoy it, especially you close family members or friends.
You want to do your friend something "good" and convince her to buy that new dryer. Your friend doesn't like it, but she is shy and polite and doesn't want confrontation. She buys it because your advise is so pertinent.
You think you end up with having done something "good" for her. But actually it is not "good" for her at all. She had to spend more money on those extra options, it doesn't match the washing machine she already has, it doesn't fit into the space that well, and in addition, your friend doesn't use the de-wrinkling or dry-cleaning options.
The "good" you gave her turns in to "bad" on the receiving end. By reciprocity there is no way you will get something "good" back.
But you are still convinced that you did something "good" and by reciprocity you expect "thanks" as something "good" back. You don't get it and classify your friend as "ungrateful".
Your friend has received something "bad" and now will have to return something "bad" by reciprocity. Of course there will be absence of gratefulness. Even if your friend likes you a lot and is very polite, and also realizes that you wanted the best for her, the fact stays there - she has not received anything "good".
It is very difficult and unnatural to be grateful for something "bad". It is like saying Thank you for new unnecessary problems. Most people will not thank for that. And almost no one can do it with an honest looking face.
Here is a more complicated example (3).
Your mother-in-law is not good with money. She buys a lot of useless things and can't manage her money well. She is talking about her money problems and complaining about it. But she is not asking for help with managing her money.
You think that the best for her is to learn how to manage money and try to teach her that. She is irritated and unhappy. You consider her ungrateful.
What she really wants is attention. Complaining about her money problems may be one of the ways she gets the attention she wants. It is especially true if she does nothing to fix the problem and only complains. Getting attention trough complaining is her solution to get that secondary gain of attention.
This is not a perfect way to get attention but that is one of a few she knows and it has worked before. By offering to teach her money management you actually offering her a way to get less attention after the problem is solved. You are attacking her secondary gain. That that is nothing "good" for her. Her response will be appropriate.
Unwanted help and unasked advise are the same as an attack. The real reason is not always visible. Unwanted help starts an involuntary transaction.
In those cases one has to be really sure that the receiving person will classify it as "good".
The "gratefulness" or its absence is the sign for what really was received on the other end.
Someone who has a lot of ungrateful people around has to take a break to think about all the "good" he does to friends or family.
He runs a big risk of doing a lot of "bad". With the reciprocity it will come back to him as lot of "bad".
I just described the most common reason for "ungratefulness".
Lending money to help is a special topic and the consequences of money transactions are described in this post.
It seems to me that it might not be entirely applicable to M. I don't have an impression of being a person who goes around giving unasked advise to everyone.
If her troubles involve "family" it could also be relationship between her and her parents or parents-in-law. Relationships with mothers and mothers-in-law are a special situation and I will describe in separately in Part 2.
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