Mixing family and money - Good idea? Bad Idea?

My friend M. asked me this question:
"Mixing family and money - Good idea? Bad Idea? My brother has lots of student loans. Is it a good idea to help him out after we pay off our student loan debt? He is almost 37 years old."


Purely financially - No. For you it is not a good idea. You may end up with less money, if he doesn't return it. For your brother, your idea is good, because he will end up with more money. 
But such an answer is too obvious. I think it is not a financial question at all.
This question aims at the consequences: will there be a change in the relationship if you give money to him.  


There  definitely will be consequences.

When you enter a "transaction of giving and receiving help" you are entering a deal. This deal has levels.
The material level - the money changes hands.
The subconscious level - the perceived positions of strength are changing when money changes hands. 
And there will be consequences on both levels.  
 

On the material level it is easy: the money will be taken, returned, or not returned.


On the subconscious level following things will happen:


A person in possession of recourses and capable to give is positioned superior to the person who has no recourses and is not capable to give. The resourceful person is dominant.
When this resourceful person is giving recourses to someone, this person visibly demonstrates the dominance and this dominance is directed toward the receiving person. 

On the receiving site, the other person automatically moves into the position of weakness.

If the receiving person asked for help, this person acknowledges his weakness and your dominance from the start. This happens voluntary, which is important. 

If the person did not ask for help, then the giving person is pushing the other person into the position of weakness demonstrating dominance. The receiving person feels that and may resist.


From here it can go 2 ways.

1. Helping weak will make you weaker.
2. Helping strong will make you stronger.


How does it work?


1. Helping weak will make you weaker.

The receiving person easily steps into the weak position.

Which person will easily agree to take a weak position?
It is either the person who is used to be weak, or a person who frequently uses others by demonstrating weakness as a bait to receive benefits and this person is actually an aggressor masquerading as weak. 
With both of those types your chances of being used and not getting your money back are very high.

The habitually weak person is used to be weak and he/she will not resist a new weak position very much. This person may not even try to repay the debt because there is no motivation to get out of the weak position.

You will feel being used unless you will forgive the debt completely. But even then the relationship will be awkward. This is because a good friendship usually requires people to be in equal strength positions.
If the balance is disturbed, there is usually an effort to even it out. That is when friends help each other and don't leave unpaid debts of financial or emotional kind. Uneven positions are uncomfortable because this inequality is felt subconsciously at all times. 


The masquerading aggressor will also not be motivated to return the money. He/she will actually start to actively research the ways how to get more out of you. You may not see it clearly but you may get the feeling that you are being used. It would be best to cut  the losses, stop the contact and stay away from this person.   
   

2. Helping strong will make you stronger.


The receiving person needs help but really doesn't like to be in a weak position.


This is usually a strong person in a temporary need. 
The strong person in temporary need is the best variant you can get. This person will try hard to get back to at least even strength position, but more often the strong person will feel the need to compensate for the time spent in the temporary weak position. Those usually pay back with interest.

If you refuse to accept the re-payment from a strong person, with interest or not, you will get a strong enemy instead of a strong friend. By refusing the re-payment you insist on keeping your dominant position. If you accept, the relationship will most likely stay good. When the positions are evened out again the normal friendship can continue. You might even ask you friend for a small favor, just to help even out the positions.

Be careful of people who only appear strong and the only strong part of them is their ego.

With the person who is not strong but wishes to be strong and has a "strong ego", the situation is more difficult. If he/she has no capacity to re-pay, this situation feels very insulting to that person. It makes him/her feel even weaker then he/she really is.
The person hates this feeling and transfers the feeling of hate onto the helping person who produces this feeling.
With or without repayment this feeling will stay and many times it will grow, the longer the situation goes on. No one will be a winner in this scenario. The future relationship is lost.



Back to the brother.


Did he ask for help?
Which category does he fit into?
Is he a weak person who will stay weak or is he a strong person in temporary need who will get stronger? As I already described above, the only settings where the friendship can stay the same or get better is if a strong person asked for help and is motivated to get out of the temporary situation of weakness.
With the weak who will stay weak, the wanna-be strong with "big ego" and the masquerading aggressor - the relationship will get worse.



How to offer help?

If you realize what happens subconsciously when you offer help (financial or not) to someone, you might start thinking twice before doing it.  And you might think even more if that involves money or good friends. Offer help very carefully considering the types and the financial and emotional consequences.


How to refuse to help if asked?

Every "help transaction" is actually a deal. And you need to evaluate that deal just as any other deal. Just like if you are buying a car.
What type of person is asking? What are the consequences for you you enter this deal?
Is it a strong person - you might take the deal. With other types - most likely not. Closeness, niceness or family relations should not be a major factor in this deal.

Relatives are just like other people. They became your relatives by chance and it doesn't give them any rights to demand a deal that is bad for you or induce guilt feelings in you (usually used by weak and by masquerading aggressors).


If you don't like the deal, you can just say that at this time you really can't help.
You don't need to explain why, but the refusal is always accepted softer if you try to lessen you perceived dominance buy saying that you have a lot of payments yourself.

If after that the person doesn't give up and keeps trying to persuade you, you are dealing with masquerading aggressor and it is ok to lie to get rid of him. You might even turn the deal 180 degrees and ask him for help. Masquerading aggressors disappear very quickly after that.